With 3 weeks left- let’s have a little chuckle about it all. Here are some Q&As I found online that are sure to make you smile…
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?
~Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.
What is a chastity belt?
~A labor-saving device.
Should I have a baby after 35?
~No, 35 children are enough.
Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
~Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
~Your therapist.
I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
~With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
~Yes, your bladder.
What is the most common pregnancy craving?
~For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
~Childbirth.
The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
~‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.
My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
~So what’s your question?
What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
~Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.
I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I’m pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
~Not if you don’t mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.
Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
~Depends on what you’re doing with them.
My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
~Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
When is the best time to get an epidural?
~Right after you find out your pregnant.
Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
~Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning?
~It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
What are forceps?
~Giant baby tweezers.
Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
~Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
I’m modest. Once I’m in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
~Authorized personnel only - doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
~It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
What are the terrible twos?
~Your breasts after your baby stops nursing cold turkey.
What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
~When you see teeth marks.
What is the grasp reflex?
~The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother’s breasts.
What causes baby blues?
~Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
What is colic?
~A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
What are night terrors?
~Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she’s pregnant again.
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
~When the kids are in college.
Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
~Yes, pregnancy.
~Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.
What is a chastity belt?
~A labor-saving device.
Should I have a baby after 35?
~No, 35 children are enough.
Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
~Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
~Your therapist.
I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
~With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
~Yes, your bladder.
What is the most common pregnancy craving?
~For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
~Childbirth.
The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
~‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.
My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
~So what’s your question?
What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
~Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.
I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I’m pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
~Not if you don’t mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.
Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
~Depends on what you’re doing with them.
My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
~Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
When is the best time to get an epidural?
~Right after you find out your pregnant.
Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
~Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning?
~It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
What are forceps?
~Giant baby tweezers.
Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
~Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
I’m modest. Once I’m in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
~Authorized personnel only - doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
~It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
What are the terrible twos?
~Your breasts after your baby stops nursing cold turkey.
What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
~When you see teeth marks.
What is the grasp reflex?
~The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother’s breasts.
What causes baby blues?
~Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
What is colic?
~A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
What are night terrors?
~Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she’s pregnant again.
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
~When the kids are in college.
Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
~Yes, pregnancy.
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What I've discovered lately...
Putting on Pants-
So the other day I attempted to put on pants. I say “attempted” because pretty much any activity requiring me to bend over is almost impossible! I lifted my leg to insert it in the pant hole and the belly was in the way and I couldn’t reach the pants at all to pull them up! The dogs were watching me attempt this for about 10 minutes. After several grunts and near stumbles, I learned to lie on the bed, toss the pants on the floors, insert my feet and use whatever was handy to slowly lift the pants up high enough to where I could reach them and then pull them up. It’s quite a production and then when I’m done I’m exhausted! It wasn’t funny while I was doing this but thinking back- if someone was watching this from the outside it would be pretty funny.
Sneezing-
Ok so this one isn’t what you might think. I mean we’ve all heard the stories about women sneezing and peeing a little. As disturbing as that might sound to some of you men and never been pregnant women- this is true and fear but my story is different. When I sneeze I feel like a million tons of pressure is being exerted so of course leave it to me to develop some sort of weird allergy in July. I NEVER have allergies in July but now I do and I sneeze all the time. It terrifies me to sneeze because they are so hard it feels like the baby might pop out. Could you imagine it? Sneezing so hard and a head pops out! I literally hold my belly each time, trying to hold her in! Might not be silly to you but that visual always makes me giggle and get nervous!
Clothing-
I’m running out of it. I don’t want to buy anymore because I only have a few weeks left but it’s getting a bit ridiculous! I was over at my mom’s house wearing a tank top and capris. My belly was sticking out a little from under the shirt when I went to grab something. My mom said “Melanie you know you can wear maternity tank tops” I looked at her and whined “THIS IS A MATERNITY TANK TOP!”
My hips are opening up and so pants are getting too tight. Maternity dresses that are made to fit with that big ole belly sticking out are suddenly REALLY short in the front. As I walk I give everyone a little peep show of my giant maternity underwear. It’s hot! ;) I’m guessing for the last 3 weeks you might see me wearing some sort of moo-moo attire- just go with it and tell me I look goooooooooooooooood.
Getting out of bed-
I’ve been working out the entire time so sitting up hasn’t been too difficult but lately the belly has gotten so large it is more difficult to sit up because as soon as you attempt to do so that belly is there sticking out and pushing you right back down. I’ve resorted to “rolling” out of bed. Even then I have to pump myself up for it. ONE- TWO- THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- tuck and roll! The other day even that wasn’t happening and I had to ask Jimmy to give me a good ole shove. He looked at me like “what?!?!” NOPE- you heard me right- give me a push!
HOT-
It’s hot outside- it would be hot outside if I was a buck 25 soaking wet so when people say you must really be hot I don’t think I’m more hot than anyone else but I DO think I’m more uncomfortable. I’m sweating more and in places I didn’t sweat before and I’m aware of it so it makes me uncomfortable. And then I’m just giant and giant and hot isn’t a fun combo. But I do appreciate everyone feeling bad for the pregnant person in July. Give her a drink first- she’s pregnant. Give her the seat closest to the AC- she’s pregnant. Go run that errand for her- she’s pregnant and it’s too hot for her to go outside! I mean I could get used to that!
PEEING-
Have you ever been at a party or bar and you REALLY didn’t want to break the seal? So you drank and drank and drank and finally it’s too late- you’ve got to go. You head to the restroom and you are 20th in line, as you move forward in the line it becomes almost unbearable and you are sure you are about to pee all over yourself. Have you ever experienced that? If so- welcome to everyday of my life in pregnancy- especially this last month!
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And Finally- Here’s something to have you laughing at your hubby…
What if MEN got PREGNANT!?!?~
~Maternity leave would last for two years....with full pay.
~Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
~Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
~All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
~Children would be kept in the hospital until potty trained.
~Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
~They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
~Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
~Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
~They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
~Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
~There would be a cure for stretch marks
~Women would rule the world.
~Maternity leave would last for two years....with full pay.
~Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
~Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
~All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
~Children would be kept in the hospital until potty trained.
~Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
~They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
~Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
~Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
~They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
~Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
~There would be a cure for stretch marks
~Women would rule the world.
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